<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Another one bites the dust by chiara_scuro</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28071246">Another one bites the dust</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiara_scuro/pseuds/chiara_scuro'>chiara_scuro</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Crack fics [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Crack, Day 20: Technology, Gen, M/M, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, some light- hearted demonic possesion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:34:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28071246</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiara_scuro/pseuds/chiara_scuro</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I want to be a Roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose.<br/>OR ALTERNATIVELY</p><p>Who would win? A mage, a vampire mage, a dragon boy and Shepard from Omaha or one Roomba?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Crack fics [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056356</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Carry On Countdown 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Another one bites the dust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi<br/>I don't know what this is but I had a lot of fun writing it. I think crack fics are my calling<br/>Written for the Carry on countdown, day 20: Technology</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>BAZ</p><p>Fiona bought a fucking Roomba. She bought a fucking Roomba and she somehow spelled it into overdrive.</p><p>I fought a dragon, I successfully handled a polecat Snow put in my wardrobe in our 6<sup>th</sup> year, I’ve encountered demons, vampires, worsegers, chimeras, flying monkeys, the fucking Humdrum, you name it, but this thing… this thing scares me.</p><p>It’s out of control and the moment you try to turn it off, it starts attacking your ankles. I have vampire speed and I just barely outran it.</p><p>If it didn’t pose an explosion risk, I’d set it on fire.</p><p>Fiona said it’d run out of batteries eventually. That was three hours ago. She has since left the premises, leaving me to deal with the cursed robot by myself. I’m currently stood on the coffee table, trying to fight the evil vacuum cleaner with a broomstick.</p><p>“Fuck off!” I growl, poking the Roomba with the broomstick as it ruts into the coffee table. I make sure to aim for the off button, but of course, it does nothing.</p><p>Spells don’t help either – we’ve tried just about everything and it only seemed to piss the Roomba off. I’d hate to admit it, but I have only one option left.</p><p>Penelope Bunce.</p><p>I sit cross legged on the coffee table, ignoring the forces of evil currently rutting into it via a Roomba and dial her number. She picks up on the third ring.</p><p>“Whaddup, Baz?” a voice answers that’s decisively not Bunce’s.</p><p>“Shepard. Give me Bunce. It’s an emergency,” I say through gritted teeth. Truthfully, I was hoping to catch Bunce alone. The less people know about this catastrophe, the better.</p><p>I hear Shepard call for Penny, and moments later, she’s by the phone. “Baz, what’s going on? You said it was an emergency?”</p><p>“Emergency? Let me speak to him!” I hear Simon’s voice in the background. Oh, brilliant. I consider just hanging up on the three of them, but then they’ll definitely come to my flat and call it an intervention. Besides, the Roomba slams into the coffee table so hard it shakes and I decide some things are worth my pride.</p><p>“It’s not an <em>emergency</em> emergency,” I say. “Tell Snow to calm down.”</p><p>“What’s going on then?” Bunce asks.</p><p>“I’m dealing with a rabid Roomba.”</p><p>I have to wait for a full minute for Bunce to stop laughing. “Excuse me, what?”</p><p>“My aunt thought it would be funny to try out some spells on the thing and I’m pretty sure she managed to get it possessed in the process. It’s been chasing us around the flat for the past three hours.”</p><p>“Oh my god, Basil!” she’s laughing again. “We’ll be right over.”</p><p>“Bring ankle protection.”</p><p> </p><p>Fifteen minutes later, I hear the door to my flat unlock. (Snow has the key, thankfully. I’d never be able to let them in, not in my current situation.)</p><p>The Roomba must’ve heard it too, as it stops circling the coffee table and turns towards the door ominously. A red light starts flashing at alarmingly and then it drives out of the lounge, faster than any Roomba possibly could.</p><p>“Watch out!” I call for them. My warnings are met by screams just a few moments later.</p><p>“Great snakes, what is that?” Bunce yells.</p><p>“Come to the lounge!” I yell back.</p><p>“Fuck off!” Snow growls.</p><p>“Yes, Snow, I’m happy that you’re here too…”  </p><p>“Not you Baz!”</p><p>Shepard strolls into the lounge calmly and sits on the sofa. Maybe it doesn’t attack Normals? But it’s definitely attacking Snow, because I just heard his yelp coming from the corridor.</p><p>Bunce and Snow finally make it to the lounge, Bunce making little “ow, ow, ow,” noises as the Roomba keeps slamming into her ankles. Snow makes a dive for the sofa immediately and I use my broomstick to offer Bunce enough protection so that she can make it to safety as well. The Roomba slips under the sofa, probably waiting for either of them to be foolish enough and put their feet on the ground.</p><p>“What the fuck is that?” Snow asks, bewildered.</p><p>“That,” Bunce starts. “Is the main reason why spells and technology don’t mix well.”</p><p>Shepard tries to peek under the sofa, but Bunce grabs him by the back of his shirt and pulls him back up. Snow is rolling up the hem of his jeans, examining the damage.</p><p>“What spell did your aunt use?” Bunce asks.</p><p>“<strong>Suck it up</strong>. She thought it’d enhance its cleaning abilities.”</p><p>“Well, I have to say, the place does look spotless,” Shepard deadpans. I shoot him a look.</p><p>“I don’t understand… this spell shouldn’t have caused this,” Bunce mutters, deep in thought.</p><p>“Can’t we just kill it?” Snow asks.</p><p>“Don’t you think I’ve already tried?”</p><p>“Maybe it’s not a spell…” Shepard starts, now also deep in thought.</p><p>“Are you suggesting it came from the store with encrypted bloodlust?” I ask.</p><p>“No, I’m saying it could be a dust demon.”</p><p>We all look at him. “A dust demon?” we echo in unison. The words make the Roomba shoot out from under the sofa and start attacking the coffee table again.</p><p>“I just think it could’ve been lying dormant somewhere in your flat. Especially if you only used cleaning spells before,” Shepard shrugs. Huh. We did only use cleaning spells before. The whole reason Fiona bought the damn thing was because she was sick and tired of cleaning spells.</p><p>“Shepard you’re a genius! And when Fiona cast <strong>suck it up</strong>, it probably made the Roomba so much stronger that it literally sucked up a demon!” Bunce exclaims, jumping to her feet in excitement. The Roomba turns to her and she yelps, quickly pulling her feet back up on the sofa.</p><p>“Are you suggesting we have demons nesting in our rugs?” I say, raising my eyebrow.</p><p>“This is a Pitch home, it wouldn’t be surprising,” Snow shrugs. Still not over the wraiths, I see.</p><p>“It would also explain why it wasn’t attacking me! I’m probably cursed by a higher-ranking demon,” Shepard says. “Although to be fair, almost everything outranks a dust demon.”</p><p>The Roomba turns to him, angrily flashing its red light at his words. Shepard just laughs.</p><p>Bunce is still deep in thought, her eyebrows furrowed the way they always are when she’s hatching a plan. “Okay, so we either have to get the Roomba to attack Shepard—”</p><p>“Probably won’t work,” Shepard jumps in.</p><p>“—Or we have to exorcise it,” Bunce concludes.</p><p>“Well, felllas,” Shepard claps his hands together. “We’re exorcising a Roomba.”</p><p> </p><p>Never in my life, I thought I’d be using my finest magickal education for this. We sent Shepard to get the supplies, since he’s the only one immune to the Roomba, and I’m now trying to entrap the damned thing in a pentagram of salt. (Which is proving to be way more difficult than it should be, since the Roomba keeps cleaning it up.)</p><p>“Here,” Shepard says, scooping the cursed robot up. Bunce and Snow shuffle to the other side of the sofa in fear. I finish drawing the pentagram and the runes around it.</p><p>“Okay,” I nod at him to drop the Roomba in the pentagram. It starts spinning around frantically, but doesn’t try to vacuum up any more salt. “I think it’s safe,” I announce, leaving the safety of my coffee table. My assumptions are confirmed when the Roomba doesn’t attack me.</p><p>Snow is next to follow, grabbing candles and setting them around the pentagram. “Be careful,” he tells me as I light them with my hand. He doesn’t like the idea of candles, but they’re necessary.</p><p>I light two more candles and give one to Snow and one to Shepard. The candles will protect them even if they’re standing outside the circle.</p><p>“Bunce, are you ready?” I ask. Bunce hesitantly slips off the sofa and steps into the circle of candles.</p><p>“What spell are you using to exorcise the demon?” Shepard asks. “It would be really funny if you said <strong>Begone thot!</strong>”</p><p>Snow snorts at his words, nearly blowing his candle out. I roll my eyes at both of them before taking Bunce’s hands.</p><p>The spell we’re using is a Latin incantation that we found in one of my aunt’s books. (Of course, she has demon exorcising books in her bedroom. She’s a Pitch.) It’s not too complicated and should work perfectly for lower ranking demons.</p><p>I can see the spell taking effect already. The light on the Roomba starts flashing furiously and then the top suddenly opens. Bunce jerks a bit at that but doesn’t let go of my hands and keeps her incantation steady.</p><p>We’re nearing the end of our incantation and the Roomba ejects its dustbin, and suddenly, a huge cloud of dust flies out and floats above us. It takes the shape of what I can only describe as a grey, dusty Smurf giving us the finger.</p><p>Now I have to worry about keeping my spellwork steady, because I nearly start laughing at the sheer obscurity of this scene. The Smurf blows a raspberry in my direction and I can vaguely hear Snow trying to stifle his giggles in the background.</p><p>We say the final words of the incantation and the dust demon explodes, leaving only a cloud of dust behind him. The candles go out, meaning that the spell was successful and we all erupt into fits of laugher and coughing.</p><p>“Crowley what a mess,” I mutter, looking at the lounge. There are chunks of dust everywhere. My eyes are watering. (Vampires aren’t immune to dust allergies.)</p><p>Snow grins and takes one step closer to me. “Don’t move,” he half says, half coughs. His hand reaches up and he carefully starts picking something out of my hair.</p><p>“Please don’t tell me it’s in my hair,” I plead, even though I know it is.</p><p>“About half of it landed in your hair, mate. You look grey haired,” Shepard says before a coughing fit takes over him. “Man, my asthma is not agreeing with this. I need to step outside,” he says once it finally subsides.</p><p>“I’ll go with you,” Bunce offers. She has a generous amount of dust in her hair too, but she doesn’t seem to be bothered. They leave the room, leaving only me, Snow, a huge pile of dust and dead Roomba.</p><p>I cast a <strong>Dust it off</strong> on the carpet, then on myself and then on Snow. The place looks much better now.</p><p>“So,” Snow starts, turning to the Roomba. “What do we do with this thing?”</p><p>“We set it on fire. We never buy it again.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/vampire-named-gampire">a tumblr</a> sometimes</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>